I've wondered if I should publish this post, or if I should just write it to get the feeling out and keep it as draft. But I decided that I should publish to see if anyone can relate to this.
My lovely Gareth has suffered from depression on and off for years. Its horrible, it takes my lovely man and turns him into an empty shell, from anything from 1day to weeks on end. It can take him at any time, for however long it chooses. Its vile.
He's been to counselling for it in the past, its problems from his childhood and personal life that caused it in the 1st place. Let's just say he's been through stuff that no one of 23yrs old should of gone through.
He is the most amazing dad and partner, and his love for Harry melts my heart. When this takes him, he can be fine with Harry, but with me he shuts down, he's quiet, he doesn't want to talk or be around anyone at all. Its heart breaking. You would think I would no by now that this is just how he needs to be, but I can't help but question 'is it me' that makes him go like this. I no in reality its not.
When i asked yesterday 'are you sad?' the response was 'I'm always sad, I'm never happy' its not the best response your could hear. Hearing that he's 'never' happy breaks your heart, so me and Harry never make him happy? More than likely you ask him this on one of his good days and he will say me and Harry are his world and he loves us more than anything. Its hard to hear. It splits you in two, the bad day Gareth is not the man I fell in love with, however I no this is part of him, and I have to be sympathetic and accept this.
When he's having a bad day, he describes it (when pushed to talk about it) as 'empty, emotionless darkness'. Its hard as a partner of someone who suffers from this vile illness, no knowing what to do, feeling helpless to the situation, not being able to 'fix' them. Knowing that the person you love is suffering and you can't change that is difficult.
I have to hold everything together while he's like this, he trys his best to keep everything 'normal' around the house for Harrys sake, he really does, but sometimes it too much to fight, it just engulfs him.
I needed to write this as hes been having bad days the last few days. He doesn't want to talk to me, so I sort of need to get the pent up emotions I'm feeling out.
I no this is rather 'feel sorry for me' post, its not meant to be, I'm sorry. Feel free to just ignore this post, but if anyone can relate to these feeling, it would be great to no, so I no its not just me who goes through times like this.
Lucy x
Hey Lucy this must be so hard for you. I'm commenting from the other side though as like your lovely man I too suffer depression and it can come at any moment even it would appear that there is nothing to feel sad about.
ReplyDeleteI feel nothing much like Gareth probably feels and I just want to stay in bed for hours sometimes quite happily the whole day. I think Gareth tries muh harder than I do.
When I am out of one if my depressive phases (just my term for them) I always realise how hard I make things unintentionally for my husband. It's like talking to a brick wall isn't it? You probably sometimes feel like you're completely in your own maybe?
I think it's great you've spoken out on here as you will certainly not be alone. Is he still getting any counselling? It didn't work for me so I spoke to me go about CBT (congnitive behavioural therapy) when he's more himself maybe you could have another hert to heart about things and discuss something that may help him.
I don't believe you ever get rid of depression it's one of those silent, selfish mental illnesses that really takes no prisoners lots of love xxxx
thank you so much for this comment, its made me feel alot better about everything. Sometimes it does feel like im alone, and that no one would understand if i did try and explain, part of the reason i wanted to get it out there and vent sort of. The way you describe is just how gareth is when he has a 'bad day' he still goes to work but when he gets home he shuts himself away, either in the bedroom, other living room or outside, its like he just wants to be as far away from us as possible. The counseling has stopped, i had to fight for him to get the sessions he did, and they put it down to childhood etc.(not a great help as i could of told him this!) but the CBT is something il have to look into, did you approach your GP about it? or a different route?. Thats so true, depression takes no prisoners, and i believe its with him for good too, its just managing the good days and the bad. Just gets difficult sometimes for us both. Thank you so much again! x
DeleteThat's a beautifully written post and I'm sure when he says he is never happy that that is the illness talking. Having you and your little boy will make a huge difference in his recovery. Just make sure he gets the medical help he needs too if you can.
ReplyDeletethank you so much x fingers crossed today he seems better, it just hurts to see him like it x
DeleteOh Hun :( I hope you're okay, and hoping Gareth feels his happier self soon!
ReplyDeleteAs you know hun Michael suffers from Aspergers, ASD and sometimes depression along with it (he was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder a few years back too) so I know exactly how you feel, there are some days, quite a few in the past few weeks actually, that are very very very hard and I have to take a breather and just cry because he is that upset, that stubborn, that unresponsive, that empty, and sometimes that aggressive, not physically but verbally as he hates people making him feel claustrophobic when he's having one of his "moments. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on because he's that bad, I know it's not his fault but it's so hard trying to look after him and trying to do a million other things too :( We have brilliant days sometimes, we do brilliant things with Jared and have great family time, like today we went swimming and enjoyed ourselves so much, but with his disorders you can never know which will be a "bad" day and which things can set him off, so I'm never prepared and that makes it worse, because suddenly he'll become a totally different person :( It's so hard. I'm here for you if you need me, as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and as someone who is going through similar situations and can empthasise xxx
thank you so much, your a star! it makes everything so much better knowing your not the only one (as selfish as that probably sounds) just comes from nowhere doesnt it and its like there not the person you no, so hard. likewise im here if you ever need me too :) x
DeleteI approached my GP about CBT Lucy xx
ReplyDeletethank you, will definitely look into it x
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