I've wondered if I should publish this post, or if I should just write it to get the feeling out and keep it as draft. But I decided that I should publish to see if anyone can relate to this.
My lovely Gareth has suffered from depression on and off for years. Its horrible, it takes my lovely man and turns him into an empty shell, from anything from 1day to weeks on end. It can take him at any time, for however long it chooses. Its vile.
He's been to counselling for it in the past, its problems from his childhood and personal life that caused it in the 1st place. Let's just say he's been through stuff that no one of 23yrs old should of gone through.
He is the most amazing dad and partner, and his love for Harry melts my heart. When this takes him, he can be fine with Harry, but with me he shuts down, he's quiet, he doesn't want to talk or be around anyone at all. Its heart breaking. You would think I would no by now that this is just how he needs to be, but I can't help but question 'is it me' that makes him go like this. I no in reality its not.
When i asked yesterday 'are you sad?' the response was 'I'm always sad, I'm never happy' its not the best response your could hear. Hearing that he's 'never' happy breaks your heart, so me and Harry never make him happy? More than likely you ask him this on one of his good days and he will say me and Harry are his world and he loves us more than anything. Its hard to hear. It splits you in two, the bad day Gareth is not the man I fell in love with, however I no this is part of him, and I have to be sympathetic and accept this.
When he's having a bad day, he describes it (when pushed to talk about it) as 'empty, emotionless darkness'. Its hard as a partner of someone who suffers from this vile illness, no knowing what to do, feeling helpless to the situation, not being able to 'fix' them. Knowing that the person you love is suffering and you can't change that is difficult.
I have to hold everything together while he's like this, he trys his best to keep everything 'normal' around the house for Harrys sake, he really does, but sometimes it too much to fight, it just engulfs him.
I needed to write this as hes been having bad days the last few days. He doesn't want to talk to me, so I sort of need to get the pent up emotions I'm feeling out.
I no this is rather 'feel sorry for me' post, its not meant to be, I'm sorry. Feel free to just ignore this post, but if anyone can relate to these feeling, it would be great to no, so I no its not just me who goes through times like this.