I wasnt going to go here and write about this on my blog because i didn't deam it fair on Gareth as its about his family. But its causing a bit of a disagreement between the two of us so i thought id ask your opinions if you would be so kind.
Gareth's Mom walked out on him when he was little, (he was 5/6) left him in there house one day with his little brother, said 'im going to get you some chips for dinner' and never returned. From that moment Gareth his brother and his baby sister were brought up by his Dad and his Dads parents. Seeing his mom from time to time.
This happening meant the siblings were all super close, Gareth acting like a parent to his younger siblings really. Me and Gareth met in 2004 and it took him a long time for him to open up about his life and feelings and what had happened in his past (some awful things!). Gareth went to school did his GSCEs went and got a job over the summer he left school, and then went to college got his qualifications and went right into a job, the same one hes in now. His brother on the other hand (3years younger) spent alot of time 'wagging' school to the point where prosecution action was going to take place. In 2007 he decided he wanted to go live with his mom permanently. So he did, he never went to school after this. Gareth would see him every weekend still. In 2008 he met a girl, the daughter of a friend of his moms , she moved in with him and his mom. Her own parents warned that's she was evil, sneaky and not to be trusted. Boy were they right.
I wont go into full details, but lets just say shes done some horrible things against me, Gareth and Harry. Trouble causer is a understatement.
She has turned Gareths brother against his Dads side of the family and makes it difficult to contact them. They live in a 3 bed house (all benefit paid for), hes 20 shes coming 22, they have 2 children. Neither him nor her have EVER done a days work in there lives.
Gareth is very effected by the whole situation, he cant get into his head why his brother would do such horrible things to him, to us. Why he doent want to be in contact and why hes shut himself away.The situation has caused alot of his 'down days' as I've blogged about before.
He thinks about his brother all of the time, he still loves his brother after everything. Unlike me who hates the pair of them. It was his brothers 20th birthday in November and he brought a card and put it in the post for his brother. Gareth wanted to send money too. I made it quite clear after all they have done, it would be over my dead body!
Last week he got sent a message on FB from her:-
hi gareth not being funny but what was the point of you sending K* a card for his birthday to build bridges and then when he messages you to say thankyou for card and to ask how you and your family are you ignor him sorry but your not the one who has to deal with him when he gets upset that you to cant even talk now at one point you used to be close its bad enough he dont want to talk to ur dad
im not sending this to be nasty im just asking what the point was at the end of the day i dont want to start an arguement with you i am well aware of the fact you dont think to much of me but i can take or leave be friends
Not being funny and at the end of the day, all in one paragraph! lovely!! I couldn't believe there/her cheek, there suddenly the victims. What about my Gareth? his feeling his emotions? The message they spoke about asking how 'his family were' was sent 12hrs before this one. Gareth's not a fan of fb, hes on there but hardly uses it ever. Hes been working all hrs god sends and his 1st priority when hes gets home is not 'oh il check fb' he proberlys checks it twice a week if that. Unlike them who have the luxury of sitting on it 24/7
I was fuming!! I wrote a lovely angry reply to them, then Gareth told me to be the bigger person so i didnt send it, I'm so very proud of him. He wrote back a civil response explaining 'i have been working 6am until 6pm, by the time i get home i have 30mins with Harry before he goes to bed so I'm sorry i couldn't reply sooner. i sent the card to show im thinking about him and have not forgot him'
However, now comes the whole point of this blog post. Gareth wants to send there 2 children Christmas presents this year because 'its not the kids fault' i agree, but i refuse to send them anything. Our son has been spited in all of this, has he ever had so much as a card? no, nothing. Not that he wants anything from them but still, hes innocent just like there kids. We have never done anything against them, however they have against us, through jealousy and bitterness.
I will not be the bigger person and send gifts, i just cant and wont. They have caused this situation and I'm not about to send gifts for there children because to me that says 'do what you want to us and we will still be nice!' they would probably end up on ebay or in the bin anyway knowing them.
Gareth wants to send gifts, i don't.
Whats your opinion? what would you do?
Lucy x
I would wait to see if there is any response from Gareth's message telling them why he couldn't reply sooner. It might make the situation clearer in one way or the other.
ReplyDeleteStill no reply from them :( x
DeleteWe have a similar situation here, although its my step brother who is estranged from the family due to his girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteIt has been about 4 years since he has spoken to his sister, his mum, his dad and us, despite our attempts to reach him. We always send cards via his work and hope he gets them.
The issue came to a head in the last month. My sister (his step-sister) died, followed two weeks later by his dad. We tried to contact him through work, and although he made a phone call to the hospital to check on his dad before he died, he never got to visit him and for whatever reason didn't go to the funeral or even send flowers.
My point is that this has devastated both his mum and sister and I really think that your OH should try and keep lines of contact open. Christmas is a great time for families to reach out to each other, so maybe they could arrange to meet (just the boys) and he could take something small gift wise for the kids.
Don't spend a fortune, just something that shows he is thinking of them, then if anything does happen in the future, they will know that their Uncle made an effort!!
Hope this makes sense and good luck xxxx
oh blinking heck how awful :( im so sorry. Just makes you wonder how some peoples minds work doesnt it. Thats the thing, my gareth would love nothing more than to meet up with his brother and have a chat, go for a drink or meal. but she rules his whole line of contact and wont alow him to do things without her. They share a mobile, and she rules his fb so everything would have to go through her and she wouldnt alow it without her being there x Thank you so much for your comment x
DeleteIs there something small, like a couple of quids worth, that you could send? Don't think of it as trying to be the bigger person, think of it as letting your partner, who is desperately sad about this situation, give them a chance. And then if they don't acknowledge your kindness properly at least you can finally say to him, right, we're not making any more effort with gifts and certainly never money. At least that way Gareth knows you gave it one last go? It must be hard for you that he can't let go, even though they're awful. Hugs x
ReplyDeleteWe have sent them in the past, spoilt there son for his 1st christmas, Harry got nothing :( he doesnt get bday or xmas cards, nothing. I might give them one last chance but im finding it so hard to. x
DeleteHm, that's a difficult one. We have a similar-ish situation in our family. My Uncle, seemingly randomly, decided one day he didn't want anything to do with my Mum (his Sister), my Dad or my Brother and I. He stopped sending cards and presents and ignored us in the street..we still have no idea why! My Mum sent gifts for a couple of years but we didn't ever receive anything back (not even a thankyou from the kids) so she stopped in the end for the same reason you said...she felt it sent a message of "you can be as horrible to us as you want and we'll just take it and be nice to you."
ReplyDeletePersonally, I would send maybe a bag of chocolate buttons and card for the kids as a gesture of good will or what have you. If you don't receive anything back (not necessarilly a gift but a thankyou?) then I'd leave it x
Ooo thats crazy that there was no reason. They did something awful to us so thats why i dont speak to them. At least there is a reason but to have no reason is madness. x Thats exactly what i mean, i dont expect anything back, just a thank you or for them to be atleast greatful :( they never have everytime ive sent or given things in the past x
DeleteIt must be so incredibly hard for Gareth, and you too of course, but this is his family! At the end of the day they are his nieces/nephews and they haven't done anything wrong. I think just sending something small, maybe a selection box of chocolates or something would be a lovely gesture, surely they'll eventually give over being nasty if you keep being nice, and then Gareth could sort things out with his brother. It sounds like he suffers with dark days like Gareth does, maybe they don't handle it as well as you do? Sorry to disagree with you, I know it's hard but I know how close you are to your family and that you'd do anything for them, regardless of anything they'd do! Xxx
ReplyDeleteWe have sent things in the past and never even got a thank you or anything :( Harry is there (well not realy in my eyes) nephew and hes never got thought of. There evil, there not the type to be nice :( he spends all day everyday in there house playing playstation, and she spends her time on fb. Ive had a situation with a auntie of mine where she did things i didnt like and thought they were wrong and i no longer speak to her nor do i ever wish to in the future, if my family had done to me what them two have done to us i would of disowned them a long time ago. I just cant see why he wants to bother. I no its not the kids fault they have vile parents, and im coming round to the idea of just sending something small. Thank you for your comment :) x
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